The Twitter mob came after me for being childfree
I haven’t shared much publicly about my choice to be childfree, but over the years I've received very frequent and aggressive judgments about it (even from strangers to my face).
Last night I commented on a popular person's tweet, they responded rudely, and then the Twitter mob piled on the hate. Some might think it’s weird to compile all the mean things strangers said about me on the internet, but the themes on Twitter were in line with what I’ve had said to me in person (albeit way more harshly on Twitter) by well-meaning people (who often claim to be libertarians).
The mob comments were very upsetting, but this topic is important to me, as it is for many women, despite not being part of mainstream media/thought. I decided to take the time to break down some of the common insults and misconceptions—and share my thoughts on each.
Everything I’ve listed comes up surprisingly often since people—even strangers—feel very comfortable judging/challenging my decision. This does not encompass my entire stance, but it’s a big subject to do well so I’m sharing parts of it now.
If you've ever been curious about my decision not to have children, or are child-free yourself and looking for some support, give this a read.
I originally posted these thoughts in a Reddit subgroup /childfree (which has 1.5M members, quite large for Reddit standards).
Original tweet here.
Initial tweet by Nick Huber, who has 250,000 followers:
"All of my dumb, unhealthy, broke friends are having a bunch of kids and my smart, healthy, successful friends aren't. I think humans are evolving backwards right now."
He followed up with: “Elon is on to something here. People would rather sit in a desk chair making somebody else rich for 70 hrs a week than build humans. Literally chasing digits on a computer screen in a bank account somewhere. Driven by all the wrong things IMO. Our ancestors would be pissed.”
My response: "Raising children just doesn’t interest me (and it seems like that’s a trend). The US is going to have to accept thats the case for many women & solve GDP/world power dynamics with immigration & technology since—despite everyone saying I would—I haven’t changed my mind. (35 yo)"
Side note 1: I decided to ignore the eugenics angle of his tweet, which is him saying who should and should not have children and address the phenomenon of “successful” people who don’t have children.
Side note 2: This is a much wider topic for another post, but some leaders point out correctly that our strength as a US economy and global power relies on a sustained or growing population (GDP will shrink with the population and the value of the US Dollar will weaken). I think the solution is a combination of immigration, technology, and encouraging those who DO want to have children, to have more children — i.e resulting in fewer, but bigger families).
He responded that this is "absurd and selfish".
Then the mob piled on.
Common Childfree Insults & Misconceptions
The tweets that followed were both shocking and familiar. Sure, Twitter is unhinged, but I’ve heard some version of all these said to my face (albeit more politely) by complete strangers. Most tweets, even the rudest ones, have multiple likes. I wanted to break down some of the insults and share my internal dialog since they come up often.
You are too young and too old
"Will be interesting how you/others will feel at 50/60/70 years old"
I'm fine with this comment and don't take offense to it. But believe it or not, being childfree isn’t a new phenomenon, and there are plenty of childfree people of this age who exist now that we can ask how they feel about their choices. I have asked and everyone has said they either didn’t want children or it didn’t work out for them, but that they have found happiness. Also, this same mentality can be applied to elderly people who are lonely in nursing homes with no one visiting them despite putting in years to raise a family.
"Unfortunately this won't age well for her, but she won't realize that until it's too late"
Adoption is a very valid option, and my husband and I have often talked about fostering teenagers later in life.
“You will change your mind when you’re older”
This is the most frequent one I get. When will I be old enough to make this decision for myself? Please tell me. At 18, we can take out huge amounts of student debt. At the time of writing this I am 35. I own and run a successful businesses that employs ~20 people (many of whom have children). I’ve done extensive traveling, investing, and do any number of things that require sophisticated decision making.
"Probably too old to have them anyways"
Notice how this is meant to be an insult since 35 is “old”.
In the same Twitter thread, I am both too young to make a decision for myself, and too old to have children. I've actually been looking forward to the day when I would become "too old" to change my mind, maybe 35 is it! Yay me!
P.S. My friend just texted me and said at 45, she still gets told she’ll change her mind 🤷🏻♀️
There seems to be an 11 day period where a woman is the “right age”. Women have to finish their education, establish their careers, meet their life partner, and have children within a 10-15 year window. Meanwhile, men are fertile until they die. Cool, cool, coo-coo-coo cool…
You are going against the natural order
"Absurd"
He’s pointing out that this is an unnatural decision, that goes against human nature. Actually, as he pointed out, this trend of declining birth rates is accelerating, so the "unreasonableness" of it might be worth a second look since apparently a lot of people aren't having children. This is a huge trend that won't go away with insults, so it's really worth the wider population and policy makers taking the time to understand it and find other solutions to economic power beyond "let's just shame everyone into having 2 kids". Personally, I believe those who want children should have bigger families, and those of us who don't should have none.
“There’ll be no next generation if everyone thinks like you!”
With all the hateful tweets I’m receiving, and the fact that there are 8 billion humans on the planet already, that clearly won’t happen. Also, see these images:
At the current global population growth rate of 1.08% and even with projected declines in growth rates, we are more than maintaining the population size and are on a trajectory of adding another 2 billion people in the next 75 years.
“Enjoy the next 50 years of loneliness. Darwin Award 🏅”
I am most certainly not lonely. Deciding not to (or being unable to have children) does not make you “darwin award dumb”.
“Perhaps mil of years of biological developed is smarter than one single person 35yrs of experience. Maybe after 60yrs exp you'll feel dif? Having my first kid def wasn't a logical dec but it def was the best decision of my life! That kind of love is magic”
First of all he’s proudly admitting that his first child wasn’t planned or “logical” — ok.
There are a lot of things that we’ve done in the past as humans — raping, murdering, eating sugar, fighting ways, invading countries — to name a few. I’m not comparing having children to these things, I’m just saying that the past isn’t the perfect template for the future. But with 8 billion people on the planet, half of whom were born in the last 50 years, I think humans will make it without me reproducing. The earth is in fact a finite space.
“On the longest of long terms this is fine. People who don't want kids won't have them. People who do want kids will have them. Eventually the earth will be full of people who want kids. Evolution in action reacting to birth control separating sex and children.”
Haha! Then how do childfree people exist today if you “inherit” the desire to have children from your parents? It’s like this person thinks that straight people don’t produce gay people…
“You’re a genetic dead end and proud of it. Very strange.”
My legacy goes beyond who I gave birth to. I’m ok with my contribution being in other forms besides adding to the population.
“Give it a few years, you still have time to make the right decision. Funny how such smart people think they can outsmart evolution.”
More combinations of not being old enough to decide and assuming that childfree people are dumb…
You are selfish and only care about yourself
“You must be selfish / Not having kids is selfish”
Childfree people often pay more in taxes into the system than they take. I'm a high income earner and pay taxes towards educating children.
Childfree people are also often helpful in their families and communities (both time and money) since they may have more flexibility and resources to spare.
There have been a few occasions where someone close to me had intense situations and really needed help. I was able to instantly drop everything, take time off work, and help them. Not something I’d be able to do if I was raising my own children.
"Having kids isn’t for everyone. Don’t do it if you’re into yourself and little else."
Aww, so close to a helpful statement.
Again, childfree people are always assumed to be self-absorbed. You can either be a saint-like parent, or a narcissistic heathen but nothing in between!
You only care about career and money
"May I just ask you (& u do whatever u want). Why r u not interested in children/family. If that’s u in the picture u look like a capable mother. Remember when you die you’ll want children around you and not an extra dollar or things you admire now."
Very interesting that she decided I'd be a capable mother based on my profile photo.
“You’ll want children around you when you die, not things you admire now” is making the assumption that you can either love your children OR material things, but nothing in between. Plenty of parents are materialistic (notice households with credit card debt and 2 $1,000+/month car payments).
I think my gifts are more suited in the 1-to-many realm instead. It’s a myth that childfree women cannot be nurturing or that they will only care about materialism as many here have already said about me.
Not wanting to have children does not mean one isn’t interested in family. So often aunties and friends of the family are wonderful fixtures. Also, “family” does not need to only mean a nuclear family of parents & offspring living under one roof. Ryan and I are a family, along with our given and chosen family.
"We should indeed focus more on supporting and nurturing the next generations of our species. More important than buying new rims for your Mercedes."
I agree that it’s important to support and nurture the next generation, but it’s not the only thing worth doing and having children is not the only way of doing it.
Not sure what's up with the assumption that childfree people are ravaging materialists. Ironically, I drive a 2013 Toyota RAV 4 that I bought used in 2021 with 120,000 miles on it. Paid $12k in cash.
You will regret it and then it will be too late
“Oh said the future lonely desperate woman full of regrets"
People who have children are not exempt from loneliness, desperation, or regret. These are things that must be actively managed in everyone's lives by being proactive with relationships and making decisions that align with your values. Just as parents need to actively carve out space for themselves outside of their identity as a parent, childfree folks need to make sure they have a community of all ages around them. But having children is not the only way of building and keeping close relationships.
“You’re going to hit a wall in your 40s. Once your eggs dry up you’ll regret it. Growing old with no kids and grandkids is depressing. Talk to people who have made this mistake.”
There are tons of people who are childfree, and I’ve actively sought them out and asked them about their experience to inform my decision. I have not met one person who didn’t find happiness.
I have witnessed regretful parents in person — you can just see them struggling. And there are devastatingly honest threads on Reddit of people explaining they regret their decision, or that they wish they had actively made a decision, rather than just following the norms blindly.
You just haven’t found the right partner yet
"Do you have a significant other? Maybe you just haven’t found the right person."
I've been married to my soulmate for 14 years. Being in a happy marriage does not automatically mean wanting to have children. Neither of us want children, so we’re a great match.
You just aren’t established enough yet
"Question for you. If you were wealthy and had no money problems and didn’t have to commit an enormous amount of time and energy to a career, would you have children?"
No, I prefer giving back & nurturing the next generation in other ways. Things I've considered down the road:
Starting a cycling club at a local junior high / high school
Fostering teens in our home to help them navigate becoming independent
Starting a business staffing teenagers to teach them to be entrepreneurial
Working on solving energy, food, and water
Helping adults get out of abusive relationships
You don’t know how life changing it is to be a parent
"You have no idea what raising your own child is until you do it, so how do you know whether or not it's interesting to you? How do you know what you’re sacrificing? Bring life into this world, and then tell the world how uninteresting it is."
Counterfactuals will never be known because we only have one life. We can think about alternative decisions, but we can’t live them. Just like being childfree, parents can't know what their life would be like without children. They assume they would just go on exactly as they did before children, but they most certainly wouldn’t. They would start to make changes to how they spend their time and who with.
Actually I do have a good sense of what it would be like to be a parent, given that so many people around me are. I was also heavily involved in caring for my youngest sister. Lastly, this is a huge gamble to say “bring a human into the world to see if you like it!”.
Again, see regretful parents which has 125k people in it. There’s so much shaming that happens regarding being childfree or regretting being a parent, that no one brings it up. I suspect it’s much more prevalent than people realize, but the hate you get for talking about teaches you to not talk about it.
You will be a better person once you become a parent
"My world view changed entirely after having a child - I became a better person, wiser. I got to know myself so much more."
Having a child is not the only way to self enlightenment, and the fact that you think you have to have children to become a better person says more about you than it does about me.
I’ve encountered many parents who just seem like crappy, selfish humans. I don’t think having a child is the reason why people are good people. These things are not mutually exclusive.
You should be a parent because I loved being a parent
"Being blessed with 2 fine lads is the highlight of my life. I have a career too and my choice to have children did not negate other opportunities. Motherhood is both the hardest, yet most rewarding job in the world. A loving family means everything."
I’m happy for you! Sounds like that’s what you wanted for yourself ❤️.
So often people assume me being childfree means I don't think they should have or enjoy children. I simply want everyone to do what makes them personally fulfilled, but childfree people are not granted that.
“Kids are blessing!”
They certainly are a blessing to those who want and are able to raise them. But have you ever encountered someone who clearly didn’t want them or isn’t able to provide for them? Heartbreaking for all involved and totally unfair to the child brought into a world where they are unwanted.
Your life won’t have meaning
"You think you’re hot shit now, but you’ll spend many years crying tears of regret of a life half lived."
I'm not sure why childfree people are constantly saddled as arrogant. Perhaps maybe the audacity to choose a different path that others is challenging their own decisions and ego?
I think the desire to be childfree is hard to understand by those who want children. Perhaps like a straight person imagining being gay. Just not for you!
“There’s no greater purpose for a woman than being a mother.”
That may be your purpose, but did you have your son just so he would be a father? Please do not push your purpose on me. We all have different gifts and ways to contribute. Diversity makes life beautiful and interesting!
You will be lonely when you die
"You won’t change your mind. You will rationalize, then when it’s too late you will justify your sunk costs, and finally no one will come visit you in a nursing home."
I mean, this could literally be said to someone with children. Ending up unvisited in nursing homes happens all the time to people with children.
“With every passing year, you will feel more empty and alone. Eventually, you will die an old woman, alone, with no one beside you and no one to carry on your legacy.”
I do hope I die an old woman, as opposed to a young woman.
With each passing year I feel more full — with more wonderful people in my life, the means the live out my life, and the wisdom to know what is authentic to me.
Legacies are not only passed down through procreation. It’s all about being important to someone and having them remember how you made them feel.
“Please consider changing your mind. There is nothing better than a child running to greet you when you get home from work. When you are old and alone in a home, there will be no one to watch over you. The staff will abuse you or let you die of bed sores.”
I have it on good authority from those who work in nursing homes that there are tons of people with families who are left to be neglected. Having children just so you will have elder care is not a good enough reason for me.
“I pray for your lonely 65 y/o self who will one day realize none of the status or your material pursuits amounted to much when you have no one to spend your last years with.”
I will spend my last years with my beloved husband, siblings, nieces, nephews, friends, and neighbors. It’s a myth that old people are only in contact with their children.
A friend of mine works in hospitals and she said: “I work with many patients at the hospital at their end of life, and there are plenty of people with children who die alone, and plenty of child free people who die surrounded by loved ones.
As you can imagine, people at end of life are thinking about and openly sharing with me their thoughts about how they lived, and not one child free person has said they wished they had had kids. I DO interact with many new mothers who say they regret having kids, on the other hand. Food for thought.”
Your husband must be disappointed
“Men prefer women who will give them a child”
Sure, maybe some men do, and they have plenty of women who want to be mothers to choose from. But mine doesn’t. My husband and I made the decision together. But he doesn’t seem to get challenged on it nearly as often or as aggressively as I do. Society seems to loath unmotherly women, but doesn’t concern itself with men who are not fatherly.
Then the insults & cat lady things
"Good decision, right now you’d be a bad mother anyway."
I actually think we'd be pretty good parents, which is why I think our decision is surprising to those that know us. Just because you can do something well, doesn't mean you have to or want to do it.
“Useless women like you are what’s wrong with society”
“I wish your mum was same!! Ah well too late”
This might seem like just absurd Twitter talk, but there is a large subset of the population, usually men, who genuinely believe a woman’s purpose is to give birth and that they don’t deserve to exist otherwise. For proof, see child marriages and abortion policies in many parts of the world.
“Yeah, right. And she will have 17 cats and they will eat her body when she has died. Circle of life.”
“Wait and see what you think at 50 and lonely. Out drinking wine with friends for a decade straight and coming home to cats.”
I always laugh at this one since I low-key hate cats. I also don’t drink alcohol, but as a general concept, drinking wine with friends sounds divine.
Society has a long way to go on this topic. Maybe I can help nudge it in a more accepting direction. Ultimately, I think the biggest misconception is that giving birth is the only way to be nurturing and to help make humanity better. When in fact, childfree people may have more capacity to focus on 1-to-many rather than 1-to-a-few. To be clear, I do not believe that anyone owes the world anything, so "giving back" is not a requirement of existing or being childfree. I'm just so saddened by the popularity of birthing children as the only "selfless" path.
Thanks for reading. Rooting for you in whatever you decide for your life! ✌🏽
Special thanks to my mom, grandmother, and sisters who have 100% supported my decision to be childfree since day 1. ❤️
And thanks to those who held different beliefs, but took the time to listen, understand, and accept. ❤️
Nick DM’d me the next morning to apologize. While I appreciated it, I do wish we didn’t publicize insults and privatize apologies.
I’m leaving comments open for now, but know that rude/judgmental comments will be removed since this is the equivalent of my living room, but on the internet.
